Yes, that's right. I reign supreme at failing! What's that? You think you can fail better then me!??!! No way! It's what I do. I do it best. I've done it my entire life...so I've pretty much perfected it. But don't fear!! One day, you may conquer failure also! :)
A 'friend' got me a job cleaning rooms at a busy, understaffed motel. I didn't want the damn job to begin with! I don't want any fuckin' jobs. Don't get me wrong, ideally, I sorta wish I was normal and could get/hold on to a job. But I've had so many jobs in the last fourteen years...and each has ended the exact same fuckin' way. Started the same way for that matter. Me ending up being all excited that I got a job. Me doing a good job...Me ready to say fuck it. Not sure why. I've tried to analyze it. In my defense, there's always so many other things going on. Maybe it's just justification. Everyone else sure as fuck seems to understand it. Their answers ranging from me being lazy, to mental disorders, to it all being in my head. Like 'If you believe you're going to fail, then you will.' FUCK YOU! I do fail. Every time! At least as far as jobs go. I don't like being in a state of submission to a total stranger aka boss guy who is disrespectful. I don't like being out of my comfort zone. I don't like getting behind on all my other responsibilities. I don't like being away from my kid, and relying on someone else to care for him. I don't like being consumed in a position that leaves me mentally and physically drained for a rate that is barely meaningful. I don't like serving others. I, I, I, I. I know. I'm selfish. Maybe I am all the things people call me. I don't like being in such great pain that I can't hardly force myself to function.
But I took the job anyways. Going against my best judgment. I worked myself up to believe that I could do it...like every other time. I felt better about myself for having the job. There were no real struggles with the job exactly. Just struggles in my mind.
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